September 2022
As you can see I have had a hard time writing on this blog. I thought it would be easy to write about Luke but I have found it to be very painful.
I have learned so much since Lukies death. I was naive about suicide. I never thought it was even an option. Over the last few years – 976 days actually – my mind is open to:
First, suicide effects so many people. It has a ripple effect that goes through many lives. Lukie thought the world would be better without him. He thought he was replaceable. He thought he didn’t add anything to the world. But what he didn’t know he was the center of our universe in so many ways. He always wanted to take photos to capture moments. He always wanted to feed the feral cats the left overs…the left overs he didn’t take with him.
He always walked slow on the Easter egg hunt so his little brother and sisters could get more…then when he saw they didn’t get much, he snuck his eggs to them. The loneliness we all feel on Easter is not even explainable. When Lukie left he took a lot of the joy with him. He can never be replaced. He had crippling anxiety but he hid it behind his laugh.
In the last weeks and hours before my dad died, Lukie and him would sit and just laugh over the weirdest things. I was always paranoid they were laughing at me because nothing at that time seemed funny to me. His chair will always be empty. No one fills his void…its like that 1000 piece puzzle that isn’t complete because you only have 999 pieces.
Second, I have learned the people who are more sensitive to the world have anxiety. They feel things that people who don’t have anxiety don’t feel. He hated social media because he said it brought out the worst in people. He had a flip phone until a year before his death. He would never had one but his work gave him a smart phone. He thought phones sucked people in and made them worse. He just needed the basic and lived his life very simply.
When we cleaned his apartment after his death, I was surprised at how minimal he lived. He loved Costco and his storage was stuffed with all the cleaners from Costco…and a 25 lb bag of salt…who needs 25 lbs of salt? He was preparing to clean during apocalypse but the apocalypse was in his own mind.
He fought a battle all by himself, without reaching out for help. What I would give to solve any of his problems…after his death I thought there wasn’t one of his problems I couldn’t solve but I never got the chance. If you are a Lukie…I am begging you to please reach out to anyone. Find moments every day to live for the next day. You are not replaceable. You are fiercely loved. No matter your problems, we can solve them.