Feb. 5, 2020
Sometime after Luke died, someone told me…I think there were a few people…that I should write to help me with the grief I was feeling. I didn’t exactly understand how writing would help me with the feeling of incredible loss I had, but at this point I have decided I will try anything. So I am going to write…I might never quit writing.
There are so many things I can say about Luke. I will use this blog as a way to tell his story. The one he never told himself. A life full of laughter and sadness that he hid. A life that ended too soon and without warning. A life that was loved.
January 12, 2020 started like most my Sundays. I was awaken…to early for a Sunday…by Mel and I got ready for church. Ellie rode with me due to a thick layer of snow that had fallen the night before and she didn’t think she could make it up our road in her car. I sat through sacrament and then went to Young Women’s. The lesson was being given by my friend, Kari Koyle. Because it was the first Sunday the YW met, we had a lesson on setting goals. Kari spoke about the importance of getting to know our Savior. She told the girls that if they established a relationship with our Savior, they would be able to insulate themselves from a lot of the pain in the world. They would be able to seek refuge from a shattered society. I loved the lesson and thought over and over ‘I need to tell my children this.’
After YW, I asked a counselor in the bishopric if I could get a temple recommend and had completed that when I was sitting on the couch in the foyer talking to a friend when Ellie reemerged in the building. She had driven my car home to change and came into the building out of breath. She told me I needed to come home. I followed her into the gym where I was asking her what was wrong. She kept repeating “I don’t want to tell you, Mom” I was becoming more and more panicked as I asked her ‘is daddy ok? Is Melvie ok?’ as she continued to sob and refuse to tell me. Finally she said ‘it’s Luke!’
My heart sunk. I hadn’t seen Luke since the twins birthday party the 29th of January where he came for just a minute to eat cake. I ran to the car with her following close behind me and me screaming for her phone. I was trying to get anyone on the phone to tell me what had happened. When I pulled into my garage, Ken finally called me back to tell me that my beloved son was found down the road, laying in a field with a self inflicted gun wound to his head.
No No No…how can that be? No warning, no texts, no calls…just a short note…”I am sorry I know this is selfish. I love you all.” It all became a blur from there. I remember crawling on the floor screaming, I remember Ellie screaming, I remember Melvie calling people and I remember the brokenness and the helplessness. I wanted to see him but they told me I couldn’t. No one even knew where he was. The police had loaded up his body and taken him to be examined. All we had was a card with a number for the detective. My beloved child was hauled away without one member of his family being with him. As so it began my new reality.